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Wednesday 24 May 2017

Satire

World Health Organisation Warns Of New Abbottophobia Outbreak

Stefan Di Marco Thursday 29 October 2015




The World Health Organisation has issued a global alert warning of an unexpected outbreak of a new strain of Abottophobia.

A statement by the WHO released overnight confirmed the United Nations health agency’s concern that the ‘fear of Tony Abbott’ was not completely contained a month ago when widespread Abbottophobia was treated with a powerful dose of the Turnbull vaccine.

Leading doctors, scientists, medical experts and psychologists have met in New York to try to find a definitive cure to the madness which grips the left brain of otherwise normal, ordinary people.

“We just can’t explain it,” said Dr Kim Hu head of the WHO’s Abbottophobia clinic. “One minute a perfectly normal person with a fluoro green 2 inch mohawk hair cut with pink and yellow tipped highlights will be quietly sitting at an inner city cafe sipping on his soy mochacino reading a twitter feed, when he will unexpectedly lash out with an ‘ABBOTT! ABBOTT! ABBOTT! while frothing at the mouth.

“It can be anywhere in Australia - Carlton, Balmain, Darlinghurst, West End, Padddington…and now it’s got a global reach.

“Just three days ago it took off again in London. We were hopeful the Turnbull vaccine would have been the cure but it’s only been a bandaid measure.”

Psychologists have pinpointed the condition as a ‘mental one’.

“Normal sane people are not affected,” explained Doctor Hu from WHO.

“There is an extreme case we are studying at the moment where we have grave concerns for the mental wellness of a particular patient, who we can’t name, but let’s just call her ‘Sarah’.

“Anyway, Ms Hanson-Young will not allow anybody to go near her mobile phone in case she misses a new ‘Abbott’ twitter post or fresh update. She wants to be the first to tweet, ABBOTT! ABBOTT! ABBOTT! It’s all she lives for.”

“We believe Ms Hanson-Young, I mean ‘Sarah’, is most often the outbreak source. If there is no Abbott news within a 20 minute period, she will suddenly tweet ‘Abbott’, then perch over her phone waiting for reactions.”

According to government information close to 3 million people in Australia sit by their mobile device or laptop waiting for an ‘Abbott’ retweet.

The condition has reached epidemic proportions spreading to online journalists. A new variant strain has emerged described by experts as a nervous disorder known as ‘click-baiting’ where factory rows of young women and men in suits are required to sit in front of a screen documenting all the ’clicks’.

“Oddly, they get paid to do it which doesn’t help the situation at all,” explained a clearly concerned Dr Hu.

So far there is no proven treatment for the condition however health officials warn the general public if they do encounter an individual with an obvious case of Abbottophobia, calmly assure them, “It’s okay, he’s gone. It’s alright now.”