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Wednesday 22 February 2017

Satire

United Nations Tells Australia: Do As We Say

Tracee Griswold Tuesday 10 November 2015




Geneva: Australia has been condemned by the United Nations for saving lives, helping its aborigines and refusing to tolerate bigotry.

UN Human Rights Council members from Saudi Arabia, Iran, Qatar, Bangladesh, Turkey, Russia and North Korea jointly criticised Australia’s human rights record.

“Australia should examine their abuses quick smart,” said Hafta bin Kiddin, the UN Saudi representative.

“And if it fails, we insist on the imposition of sharia law so all Australia’s citizens can be mercifully beheaded then crucified on the steps of the Opera House.”

Iran’s representative said it was a crime against humanity that Australia has stopped so many Iranians drowning at sea.

“This cannot be tolerated any longer. Australia has deprived Iran's citizens from fleeing jails and torture and choosing a miserable death. Their rights have been violated.”

Iran's pronouncement was backed up by North Korea’s Wun Tu Dim with promises of nuclear recriminations unless Australia cleaned up its backyard.

“We lead by example. Australia should follow. Instead of pumping billions of dollars into welfare and free housing for its native people, Australia should allow its aboriginal population to be self sufficient and teach them to eat dirt and rocks, as we do,” he told the assembly of members who all nodded in agreement.

Mr Tu Dim continued, “Then there’s grass, of which the nutritional benefits cannot be underestimated, let alone the branches from trees. And the leaves. If you mix all that up it makes a deliciously crunchy salad. Why hasn’t Australia developed similar culinary programs for its natives?”

“One of the advantages of this diet is that nobody in North Korea has a fat problem. No biggest losers in our country. Can the same be said about Australia?”

The Qatar representative raised the question of growing ‘Islamophobia’  and ‘bigotry’ in Australia.

“Criticisms of religious and ideological human rights abuses cannot be encouraged. The freedom to kill gays, take sex slaves, subjugate women, hate Jews and those not of your own religion, lie, steal, abuse, behead and crucify are basic rights of any religion,” he declared to a standing ovation from the UN delegates.

Russia’s representative Igor Dumbkoff defended the right of all nations to shoot passenger planes from the sky then passed a motion for a joint shirt-fronting of Australia which was unanimously endorsed.

Finally, Australia was universally condemned in a report by North Korea for its track record of welcoming genuine refugees, decades long history of immigration and assimilation from all nations, cultures and religions, its tolerance, opportunities, equality and anti-racial discrimination laws, education assistance for all, welfare and housing for the poor and disadvantaged.

When asked what qualifications were required for input into the UN Human Rights Council abuse report, Secretary General Noh Ideah replied, “We only accept submissions from nations who are specialists in human rights abuse. ”