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Wednesday 26 April 2017

Satire

Trade Union Royal Commission Extended Another Ten Years

Stefan Di Marco Thursday 5 November 2015




THE Trade Union Royal Commission has been extended another decade to allow time for more union officials to claim they ‘done nuffink wrong’.


Commissioner Heydon told the enquiry today he needs at least another ten years to sort through all the bad apples, then go through the entire bowl of fruit.

“We’re working our way through the alphabet starting with the AWU, but after 18 months we’ve only just got to the CFMEU,” the Commissioner admitted.

Today’s hearings were adjourned as a fleet of 18 dump trucks arrived outside the commission to deliver the latest batch of union officials’ credit card statements and electronic records.

The adjournment followed another dramatic session when union book keeper Bonnie Baker sobbed in the witness box after admitting she had spent over $6 million from union accounts on purchases from ebay, tripadvisor.com, hotelscombined.com, ashleymadison.com, tiffanys.com, David Jones, Myer, realestate.com, property.com, carsales.com, onlinecasino.com and and an assortment of cosmetic surgeons.

“I didn’t know I couldn’t do that, nobody said nuffink,” she wailed.  

“When they told me to do the book keeping, I fort that meant the money too. I was keeping everyfink.”

“I learned all that at union school, where my uncle was teaching,” she sobbed.

Ms Baker told the commission she had been working at the union since she joined as a receptionist aged 16 in 1997.

“I came from a poor family and me and my bruvers used to rob the workers when they knocked off after 5:00 oclock. It just became a habit. When I applied for the job at the union office they said I had the right qualif…qualif…..qualifa….the right stuff for the job.”

Ms Baker was reminded her father was the union boss so she would not have had any difficulty getting the job.

“Yeah, that helped, too. But there was a lot of competition for work at the office. My 14 year old bruver applied for the job. So did my 15 year old cousin and my 8 year old nephew. But I got it on seniority and my special relationship with dad.”

When asked if her siblings and relatives ever got jobs at the union, she replied, “Yes, all of ‘em, but they’ve been on extended sick leave on $250k a year since they started in the early 2000s.”

“They’re too sick to work so they help look after dad’s yachts at our Sydney harbour homes and they look after dad’s collection of antique cars until they get better,” she told the inquiry.

Labor leader and former AWU boss Bill Shorten who has left on an extended tour of remote  Pacific islands until the completion of the Royal Commission, was asked to comment on the latest revelation.

“Would you like to see me dance? I’m a pretty good side-stepper. In fact I’m doing it right now,” Mr Shorten said before shuffling off behind a coconut tree.

In his absence, Labor frontbencher Chris Bowen said with a straightish face that anybody who has a history of abusing union members’ funds should face the full force of the law.

Federal police have issued arrest warrants for 75 per cent of the Labor Party.