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Wednesday 16 August 2017


Tony Abbott Abbott Abbott Chocolate Cake Alert

Stefan Di Marco Saturday 28 November 2015

CANBERRA was in lockdown this week after former Prime Minister Tony Abbott was seen walking through the halls of parliament house with a chocolate cake.

Political reporters from The Gawdyan, their ALPBC, The Outr-Age and pre-teen news site NozeBleed dived for cover as Mr Abbott asked anybody within sight if they had a knife.

The Australian Federal Police Special Response Group was mobilised outside parliament house after the former PM was urgently classified as a clear and present danger.

Security services surrounded Prime Minister Turnbull who was rushed into the PM’s underground bunker where he will remain until the chocolate cake can be safely removed from Tony Abbott.

From the security of his bunker, Mr Turnbull tweeted that he is safe.

‘Let me assure you all, and thank you all in advance for your concern, that I am indeed in a saf….’ he tweeted.

Greens MPs and Labor MPs called for an added national security alert level to deal specifically with the threat Tony Abbott posed to the nation.

Greens leader, Nutty Di Nuttela expressed the concerns of his party that Mr Abbott’s chocolate cake was a sign of things to come.

“What next?”, he asked a packed media ensconced in a parliamentary cake shelter.

“Today it’s chocolate cakes. Tomorrow it could be dougnuts with sprinkles or even....cupcakes. The day after…fairy bread. We need to introduce some sort of flour tax to stop this threat.”

The press gallery unanimously applauded Mr Di Nutella for his insights which prompted Senators Larissa Bonkers and Sooky Hysteria-Youngster to burst into tears.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” sobbed Ms Hysteria-Youngster. “It’s another tragedy happening. Only two minutes ago I was tweeting Abbott Abbott Abbott and waiting for the retweets, when someone tweeted a picture of the chocolate cake. That was so insensitive. I bet it’s got non-halal ingredients in it, too. And think of the victims. Has anybody found any victims?”

Senator Larissa Bonkers called for an immediate senate inquiry to examine if chocolate cakes are sexist and whether such potential sexism contributed to girls and boys growing up to be women and men. Labor and Greens MPs unanimously agreed to establish the inquiry.  

Labor leader Bill Shortcareer agreed with the Greens leader Mr Di Nutella that a tax would be the best way to deal with the problem.

“It’s actually my idea!” he proudly stated. “I’ve had two vis year which is twice as many as last year. The reason for vat is because vis is my year of big ideas.”

All were in agreement Mr Abbott’s chocolate cake posed the greatest risk to the country, whereas ISIS inspired terror threats are largely a beat up.