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Wednesday 16 August 2017

Satire

Toddlers Should Be Allowed To Join Union - Shorten

Paul Zanetti Sunday 1 November 2015




Labor leader Bill Shorten wants all 16-18 month old children to join a union to protect their rights in the home.

The Federal Opposition leader and former union boss said toddlers can poop at 16 months, throw-up at 16 months and chuck wobblies at 16 months - all basic Labor values that should be protected by union membership.

Mr Shorten said, “For too long youngsters’ rights have been ignored by society but vat will stop under a Labor guvment.”

“All toddlers should be able to decide when vey go to sleep, when vey wake up, what vey eat and what toys to play wif,” an emphatic Mr Shorten said. 

Parents would be expected to pay a weekly tariff in union fees based on modelling from Mr Shorten’s days running the Australian Workers Union.

Mr Shorten said he would deal with employers to deduct union fees directly from parents’ wages. Parents need not know their toddlers are members of a union. This would simply be a matter of convenience for everyone, Mr Shorten explained.

When asked why he chose 16 months as the required age for union membership, Mr Shorten responded, “Fairness. Basic fairness. I don’t fink it would be fair for kids to be members of a union from birf. Vat wouldn’t be proper. Kids should be able to walk so vey can stage protests and walk-outs if vey were made to eat veir greens, for example.”

“Part of veir union fees would go towards supplying vem wif cardboard and crayons to make protest signs. You’re never too young,” he explained.

Mr Shorten identified specific issues concerning toddlers that parents are not aware of such as, why Dora The Explorer carries her own backpack when she has a TV crew to assist her.

He asked, "Is she being paid a ‘backpack’ loading fee? And why don't Barney The Dinosaur and Big Bird wear pants? Are they underpaid? Are they not being paid award wages? Vese matters could all be addressed by da union,” he said.

Mr Shorten chose to announce his new union policy at Little Devils Child Care Centre in Western Sydney where he was surrounded by pre-school age children running amock, kicking his shins and pulling at his ears.

One 2 year-old was asked how he felt about being a union member, and answered, “You a bum bum, poopoo. Gimme lollies or I gunna scweam!”

A bruised and beaten Mr Shorten smiled and said, “I fink he will make a wonderful future union leader.”