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Friday 24 November 2017

Satire

The Man Who Gave Us The NBN Resigns

Paul Zanetti Thursday 15 September 2016




Senator Stephen Conroy has today announced his resignation saying he wants to pursue other opportunities in the private sector.

Speaking to a gathered media of one cameraman and a Labor staffer, Senator Conroy admitted he had not had much real world experience but wanted to ‘give it a shot’.

“It’s an entitlement thing,” he broadcast through a megaphone to the cameraman.

“There must be plenty of large corporations I can stuff up - not just government ones.

“My greatest contribution to this country is the NBN. Opportunities like that come along only once in a lifetime. As much as I’ve tried, I’ve never found another project like that overpriced, over blown, out of date cable internet service I conjured up on the back of an air sick bag on a flight with Kevin Rudd. That air sick bag will forever be symbolic to me of what the NBN has become.”

Senator Conroy who once made comments that he had ‘unfettered legal power’ to require Australian executives to 'wear red undies on their heads', said he had been taken out of context and had been misquoted.

What I actually said in full was, “The regulation of telecommunications powers in Australia is exclusively federal. That means I am in charge of spectrum auctions, and if I say to everyone in this room 'if you want to bid in our spectrum auction you'd better wear red underpants on your head', I've got some news for you. You'll be wearing them on your head ... I have unfettered legal power.”

“See? That’s what I actually said. You guys always just take what you want from quotes and twist them around,” he shouted at the cameraman.

Senator Conroy has listed his qualifications and experience on the job-search website, sacked.com.au.

‘Brilliant former unionist and Labor apparatchik looking for a position in any large corporation needing an egotistical, self-opinionated mouthpiece to shout down and berate fellow executives.

Qualifications include the ability to spend other people’s money on brain farts, make snap decisions without any cost-benefit analysis, humiliate employees by making them wear red undies on their head and leaking emails to the media.

Willing to start at the top.’
 

Asked if the real reason he was quitting unexpectedly was because the Australian Federal Police had raided his Melbourne office in May and the Department of Parliamentary Services in Parliament House just three weeks ago to speak to him and his staff, in regard to leaked sensitive NBN information, the Senator replied, “No, not at all.”

Joined by a magpie and two seagulls, he told the cameraman, “Look, I can see there’s growing interest in my resignation, but I deny any suggestion that either I or my staff are incompetent nor have we been involved in any illegal activities.”

“So I am claiming Parliamentary privilege over all emails.

“The cops can go and get stuffed. Failing that, I have unfettered legal powers to make them wear red undies on their head.”

Speaking from Canada, Opposition Leader, Bill Shorten said he was caught completely unaware by Senator Conroy’s resignation.

“No, I’ve not heard a fing. He hasn’t told me anyfink. But…yeah…err…he’s been a great Communications Minister.”

“I don’t want to canvas or debate his resignation in public, as it could be humiliating to Senator Conroy. If just one Stephen Conroy takes his life because we are discussing his resignation in public, that will be one dead Stephen Conroy too many.”

Senator Conroy thanked Mr Shorten for his kind words which meant he didn’t need to remind the Opposition Leader that as a Victorian power broker he had ‘unfettered power’ to make the Opposition Leader wear red undies on his head.