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Tuesday 17 January 2017

Satire

Paris Polluted While Politicians, Planes and Puffery Proliferate

Angelica Freebie Tuesday 1 December 2015




PARIS this week has been choking in carbon emissions as 40,000 people jetted in for an historic climate conference to discuss ways to reduce carbon emissions.

Three weeks after Paris was struck by another Islam inspired terrorist attack where 130 innocents were slaughtered, more than 150 heads of government and tens of thousands of freeloaders have gathered for a taxpayer funded freebie to discuss the weather.

US President Obama opened the conference telling the assembly of nations “There is no greater threat to mankind than warm weather. Crops cannot survive in warm weather, vegetation will die in warm weather. Kids will be afraid to go outside and play when the weather is fine and sunny.”

One reporter reminded the President over 240 million people had died at the hands of Islam since its inception 1400 years ago and there have been more than 24,000 acts of Islamic terrorism since 9/11, so how many people so far have died due to climate change?

“Look, give it time.” the President implored.

“We’ve only just got started. With any luck, millions will die from climate change so this conference won’t be a failure."

"What I can say to you is that Warmology will be up there with Victimology as one of the great religions of the world. Mecca wasn't built in a day.” Mr Obama said.

“What we are here primarily to do is prevent the world’s temperature from rising by another 2 degrees. If that happens, well it would be catastrophic for our planet.”

Another reporter reminded the president the weather today warmed by more than 10 degrees since 6:00am and the world was still here.

“That’s not what I mean,” said a visibly annoyed President Obama. “I’m talking about over a longer period of time.”

“Oh, you mean like a few months as in summer and winter in America, Europe or Australia?”

“Don’t be a smart arse!” replied the President. “Did you know that climate change actually causes terrorism? Hillary told me so,” he snapped.

“Oh, you mean like those ISIS guys who murdered the 130 innocents here in Paris just a few weeks ago? What was it about the weather that upset them?” the reporter quizzed.

Mr Obama looked at his watch and apologised that it was time for his daily golf practice so unfortunately couldn’t answer any further questions.

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull pledged to borrow billions of dollars to money-bank every Pacific Island - and the Cayman Islands in the Carribean - to save his favourite holiday havens from sinking under a potential .007 mm of rising sea levels caused by melting icecaps.

When the same reporter reminded Mr Turnbull that NASA data showed Antarctic ice had been growing at record rates over the past few decade the Australian Prime Minister responded he wasn’t referring to the Antarctic but the sea ice on and around Pacific Islands.

The reporter said there weren’t any ice caps on or near Pacific Islands.

“See, I rest my case!” snapped Mr Turnbull before looking at his watch and apologising that it was time for his daily croquet practice so he couldn’t answer any further questions.

The Climate Talks are expected to result in a mutual agreement that everyone should mutually agree that an agreement should be agreed upon, and everyone could meet again in a year.

United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon closed the conference's first day declaring a ‘productive and promising’ start, telling the assembly it was very likely a new nation would have a seat at the head of the table next year.

“We look forward to inviting the new Caliphate of the Islamic State to climate talks. I’m told by Hillary and Obama the ISIS boys are very upset by climate change, which causes unexpected breakouts of terrorism.” Mr Ban Ki-moon said.