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Wednesday 16 August 2017

Satire

Mayor Charged With Being A Tosser

Tracee Griswold Wednesday 7 October 2015




Suburban Mayor Salime Looka'moi has been charged by police for being a Grade A tosser.

Mr Looka’moi came to the public’s attention when he hired 2,000 gold plated Hummer stretch limousines to block every street from Haberfield to Penrith so he wouldn’t be late for his teeth whitening appointment.

The mayor called a press conference at the Sydney Opera House to stage the police arrest where he had hoped to give an exclusive to Karl Stefanovic for a mate’s rate of $3million.

Mr Looka’moi arrived on the Opera House in a pearl coated helicopter emerging to the sounds of trumpets.

Dressed in a pastel pink camel skin coat with chequered aqua and peach trousers and ruby red shoes the mayor walked and waved slowly to a marble lecturn where he announce his surprise candidacy for king of Australia.

The rented crowd from Bankstown cheered on cue when his heavily tattooed and bearded body guard held up a placard inscribed with ‘cheer on cue’.

Mr Looka’moi told the crowd his first act as king would be to build a much needed helicopter pad on the roof of the Opera House. After that he and his wife would travel the world representing Australia staying at the best 6-star resorts which is what his people would expect of him.

“I wouldn’t want to embarrass Australia, in the same way I don’t embarrass myself,” he told the crowd.

There was a lengthy pause as his bodyguard searched for the next cue card.

“Yay!’ cried the crowd enthusiastically.

At this point the police moved in, followed by six men in white coats with sedatives.

When questioned what Mr Looka'moi would be charged with, the arresting officer said there were a number of offences under Australian common sense law. 

“Public nuisance, fashion crimes, poor taste in cars, attention seeking, delusions of grandeur - do you want me to keep going?” asked the officer.

Mr Looka'moi resisted at first until one of the men in a white coat produced a pale pink straight jacket made of ostrich skin held together with imported silk stitching, at which point Mr Looka'moi was happy to comply, and put it on, but only once his demand for a mirror was met.

It was decided to charge the mayor with being a Grade A tosser as the charge was certain to stick.