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Wednesday 16 August 2017

Satire

EXCLUSIVE - The Press Conference Q&A They Didn't Broadcast

Paul Zanetti Wednesday 7 September 2016





Sam: Thank you, thank you all so much for being here. Thank you so very, very much. Thank you everyone. I want to assure you I will answer every question, no holds barred. I can’t thank you all enough for being here. Thank you again. Thank you, thank you…thank you….thank you….

Media throng: Sam, Sam..Sam…Sam…Sam…

Sam: I know, I know, I know…first question…Malcolm…Malcolm Farr.

Malcolm Farr: Maaaaate….mate…mate….mate…clearly - and thankfully - your integrity hasn’t been compromised. Could you explain to us the benefits of Japanese investment in our parliamentarians especially in regard to our national interest?

Sam: Thank you so much for your question, Malcolm. As hard-hitting as it is, I am not going to shy away from it. Let me be very clear, I stand by Labor Party policy in regard to the South China Sea. Any more questions before we wrap up?

Media: Sam…Sam…Sam…Sam…Sam……

Sam: Please, please…one at a time…Malcolm? Malcolm Farr.

Malcolm Farr: Thanks again, mate. Bearing in mind that your integrity has not been compromised, and I say that as an independently minded senior Canberra journalist with his finger on the pulse of community standards…

Andrew Clennell: Oh…FFS…get ya hand off it, Farr.

Malcolm Farr: Right, you’re blocked, Clennell. And that goes for anybody else who steps out of line.

Sam: Look…look…I appreciate what you’re saying, Malcolm…and let me be very clear, I stand by Labor Party policy in regard to the South China Sea.

Media: Sam….Sam…Sam….Sam….

Sam: Malcolm.
 
Malcolm Farr: What are your thoughts on Pauline Hanson? She doesn’t like Asians, you know.

Sam: Thank you again, Malcolm. In regard to Pauline Hanson I’ve invited her to dine with me on a Chinese Snack Pack when we can discuss my complete support for Labor Party policy in regard to the South China Sea.

Andrew Clennell: What a load of horse shit. Could you two get a friggin’ room? Sam, why did you support China in contradiction of your party after you asked a Chinese businessman with direct links to the Chinese government to pay a personal bill if you do indeed support Labor policy?

Sam: I misspoke.

Clennell: Misspoke? WTF is that? Misspoke? What, did you trip over and wrong words just accidentally fell out…?

Sam: Malcolm? Malcolm….?

Malcolm Farr: Here I am, mate…here I am…

Sam: You were saying, Malcolm…

Malcolm Farr: As a junior Senator, still learning the ropes…(oh hang on, that’s what I gave to Bill…)…

Sam: I’m only 33 you know.

Malcolm Farr: I know, mate. Pretty unfair of everyone to expect you, at your tender age, to not have accepted payment from a Chinese businessman in return for support. These things can take a lifetime to get right.

Sam: I promise to work very hard to not get caught in future.

Malcolm Farr: Wouldn’t expect any less from you, mate.

Sam: Any other questions?

Malcolm Farr: Yes.

Sam: Malcolm.

Malcolm Farr: Did you know Pauline Hanson doesn’t like Muslims? She wants to ban them from coming into the country.

Sam: Malcolm, if we cast ourselves back to the early 1980s when my Iranian parents applied for refugee status in Australia, a 5 year old Sam Dastyari with the word 'Muslim' next to his name would not have been allowed to come to Australia, and I would never have had the opportunity to use the Australian democratic process to get into a position to even ask a Chinese businessman over a Chinese Snack Pack to pay my personal bills. What a terrible tragedy would that have been - denying a 5 year old Sam Dastyari such an opportunity.  

Malcolm Farr: Fair point, mate.

Leigh Sales: Sam…

Sam: Oh no, not you.

Leigh Sales: We did ask you to come on the program, but you haven’t replied.

Sam: I misspoke.

Leigh: No, you just didn’t reply.

Sam: That’s my answer.

Leigh: Answer to what?

Sam: Your question.

Leigh: I haven’t asked it yet.

Sam: But when you do…that’s the answer.

Leigh: I was going to ask you why you asked a Chinese businessman to pay a personal debt, and then support China while contradicting your party.

Sam: I support Labor policy in regard to the South China Sea.

Leigh: So you misspoke.

Sam: I misspoke.

Leigh: So in future how do we know when you misspeak and when you...err....un-misspeak...?

Sam: That’s for me to know and for you to find out.

Leigh: That’s a bit childish.

Sam: Well, I’m only 33.

Sam: Look, everyone, I think I’ve answered everyone’s questions. We're only going around in circles now. Thank you all for coming…thank you…and if anyone has any more questions I want to make it perfectly clear I support Labor policy in regard to the South China Sea. Thank you all again.

Reporter: That’s the problem with these Sam Dastyari press conferences…you have one presser and 10 minutes later you feel like another one.