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Wednesday 24 May 2017

Satire

EXCLUSIVE: Secret Kevin Rudd Letters Uncovered

Paul Zanetti Sunday 31 July 2016




In retaliation to the Rudd letters, the Prime Minister's office has released a batch of private correspondence with UN secretary-general candidate, Kevin Rudd



Dear Malcolm,

I am writing to you to seek the Australian government’s endorsement for my candidature for the position of United Nations secretary-general.

I enclose my CV and character references.

Yours  sincerely,

The Most Honourable (and most qualified) Kevin Rudd



Dear Kevin,

I am in receipt of your letter seeking the candidature for the position of UN secretary-general.

Protocol requires I take your request to the Cabinet.

I wish you all the best in your endeavour.

Yours faithfully,

Malcolm Turnbull
Prime Minister



Dear Malcolm,

Thank you for your personal support and endorsement, which I am sure you have made known to your colleagues.

Yours in anticipation,

Kevin Rudd
UN secretary-general in waiting



Dear Kevin,

I just need to make it clear that I have not publicly endorsed you.

Yours Sincerely,

Malcolm Turnbull
Prime Minister (and leader of a coalition of vocal conservatives)



Dear Malcolm,

Of course. I understand you cannot publicly display your endorsement at this juncture, so I thank you for intimating your personal private support (wink, wink).

I expect you will use your position as party leader wisely to affect your colleagues (just saying).

Yours sincerely,

Kevin
(Who, as UNSG, will ensure that as my guest you will enjoy an open UN bar tab and complimentary expenses when you visit NY, as well as free coupons to Scores ‘gentlemens club’ private room, if you catch my drift).



(2 months later)



Dear Kevin,

It is with contrived regret I must inform you there was no support for you in the Cabinet.

Therefore the government cannot officially endorse your campaign for the position of UN secretary-general.

I wish you well in your future endeavours.

Malcolm Turnbull
Prime Minister



Dear Malcolm,

You despicable, duplicitous ratfucker!

How could you lead me on like that?

I think you owe me an apology and explain to me what the fuck was behind this traitorous decision.

Get fucked,

Kevin



Dear Kevin,

It was your temperament.

Sincerely,

Malcolm



Dear Malcolm,

My fucking TEMPERAMENT? You’ve got a nerve, buddy.

Have you seen that website stopturnbull.com? It ain’t painting a pretty picture, MATE!!!

And what about Julie, eh? What did she say?

Last week I had her vote in the bag. (Useless cow).

Kevin



Dear Kevin,

Well, yes, she did mention your offer of free NY bar tabs, expenses, nightclubs and rooftop pool parties for her and her Mr Wonderful, but she was outvoted.

Malcolm



Dear Malcolm,

You do know I’ve been making copies of all our correspondence in the event you would turn out to be the two-faced, weak prick I suspected you are.

You should be aware of that.

Kevin



Dear Kevin,

Is that a threat?

Malcolm



Dear Malcolm,

No. I would never deliberately leak to the media. But you can never be too careful of…well, accidents, can you?

Kevin
CC Laurie Oakes



Dear Kevin,

No, I suppose not. I saw your response 20 minutes ago on the Ch 9 News.

Malcolm



Dear Malcolm,

Oh, so I suppose you’re making accusations now, eh?

I’m calling Bill.  

Kevin



Dear Kevin,

Please do. It was your previous employer I went to first for a referral.

Malcolm



Dear Malcolm,

In light of your treachery, you give me no choice but to withdraw my candidature for the UN role.

Kevin



Dear Kevin,

That would be the best contribution you could possibly make to global stability.

If there’s anything more you would like me to do, please hesitate to contact me.

Malcolm